I am not your Nigga

I was thinking about life and all the people we’ve lost through Covid through all the other challenges and obstacles life puts out there, life can be so unpredictable. Yet we are still here, and with the life we have we must fight for the visions we started with. Growing up I was always very different to others around me, I had a unique perspective. At many times in my life I was judged, treated cruelly for being intelligent there were some who believed that as a young black woman who wasn’t abundant with coin, I should know my place. At one point in my life I was bullied so badly and treated so abhorrently, I just went mute I stopped speaking. The trauma was too much for me, I remember it and I feel it at times even when things appear to be going so smoothly. I remembered how the jealous tongues of others in the community I grew up in was used to cripple me, I remember being treated without mercy for having a disability, when I first started out in business in my community I was laughed at, became the joke of the community, was called the N word. These same people would stand out in the streets parroting community , community. I was a young black girl, without my father present, with jealous elders in the neighborhood tearing me down. It was fine when I was just seen as this ghetto Stereotype who wouldn’t accomplish much but when people started to see and people started to hear I wasn’t invisible anymore. I was called every name under the sun, a Nigga,a slut,a whore, for years, there were kids who I used to walk past like normal suddenly treating me like I was the worst person in the world because of the things their parents were saying behind closed doors. And I heard many of those things. I was nicknamed the ugly one in the family, because I was a dark skinned woman, at one point there was some sort of village movement in my neighborhood to bully me into submitting and giving the people who had destroyed my confidence and many years of my life, introductions to connections. I never received justice for it. I write this now because I remember who I was once upon a time, before I began to question so many things about people so many things about self. I remembered how I used to smile and laugh, and dance just for no reason, and I miss that girl. For those people who are different, who somehow we always stand out no matter how much we try and blend in, no matter how old we get we always have to put the armour on because we have to prepare for the idiots who are scared of our voice. I just want to tell you that’s it’s alright. It’s alright to be different, you have to forgive yourself for not being like everybody else, no one has the right to punish you for it. I lived for many years of my life in Beckton and never got justice for the bullying, the harassment, most of it I couldn’t even prove. When In a fit of rage I confronted one of the bullies who was trying to destroy my name, clever little fox he managed to calmly convince others that it was my own challenges, and no I hadn’t experienced a consistent tornado of abuse from him for many years. Words like Nigga that destroy your soul, comments that have you weeping in private. Yet my point is in this time where people are loosing their lives and being challenged by things we cannot see, please please hold unto those blessed happy moments and celebrate the self that you are. And if you are,a little different, a little unique, my sister always says to me that despite all the pain my voice will be the loudest. Your triumph will be your uniqueness. If your young and your black please never let anyone crucify you with the N word, those of us who are not ignorant know the origins of that word. It was used to destroy people’s spirits for being different, and now people joke with it for comic relief claiming wordplay,even with those outside of their race. No for many years that word was used to crucify and destroy, it’s used to make sure you feel less than. We are not less than. And wether your black white green or translucent let’s give time and space to what’s different, god added variety on Earth for a reason…I hear it’s the spice of life.

Countering Fear with Belief

Fear. Fear has stopped many people from accomplishing a dream, those little doubts that dance in and out of our thoughts making us dizzy. https://3a179971hcw6q9fdwimgm8en40.hop.clickbank.net/ Yet what if you did it piece by piece day by day, a bit at a time. What would your fear say then? Fitting every jigsaw piece in little by little, taking the cake a slice at a time. My father said something to me that inspired me he said, it takes many drops of water to make an Ocean. Yet this message states that the ocean itself is possible. Do not conquer and yet condemn,believe in possible things, if men have walked the moon, why not you, why is your vision, your dream so impossible for a universe and a god of such omnipotence. We believe in so many things, let’s take time to embrace fully believing in ourselves. https://3a179971hcw6q9fdwimgm8en40.hop.clickbank.net/

Pots of gold through Pain

We wait for pots of gold to collide with the practice of pain. I am in the midst of it, we say, there should be something for this chaos , this mess, that I can’t seem to rectangle myself from. This upset. This is madness we shriek, it’s not fair. Who told you, that life plays fair. Many of us come out of the womb thinking that life is a fair battlefield, that someone else’s chaos is separate to yours. We watch the news, click the screen off, it’s faraway, it’s distant. Truth is, we are all connected. To even up the score , to play your own makestic round, I will say what I say time and again, use your mind. The mind is the most powerful asset in the world, utilise your time. You and a millionaire, a billionaire have one thing in common, this is a message that someone else taught me. You have 24 hours. 24 hours. How will you use your 24 hours, how will you use that time? What questions do you ask? What problems do you solve? If you slip into a mighty depression and simply believe you are the problem…..this is a problem. You have a purpose, train your mind to find it, and face the challenges that come with it.

Self and the Shadow

He watched as i took bold steps severing the ties from my former shadow, I was not afraid any more, i would march into glory, the serpent would not rattle my skin, i would canvas this place with joy and the dimples of my delight. For much had changed. I had become a woman now, i was not afraid of him. Augustus eyed me with two lazy brown eyes , he quirked a brow as he leaned over the table in the small cafeteria. I should have been with Mack, or Ezra, yet i was here with suspicious Augustus, who had a way of seeing me right underneath the skin. “He been beating you huh?”
“Yeah,”i confessed. he rubbed a swollen finger over my soft green eye. It was black around the lid, half the girls would kill to be in my shoes, “sometimes,” he spoke cooly, “we beat on ourselves also.”

The Owl

The owl revels in the splendour of the night, eagle eyes, cyclops, you are observer in this skin. Watching, channeling, precision to change. Each action a dimple on the goals you set before you. We awe in wonder at a world of magic and magnificent, adventure tiptoeing to come steal you away. You are glorious where you perch, casting your vision on dancing limbs and jerking bones, paperclip men and women blowing restless in the wind.

The Divine

Faith

Divine timing, ecclesiastical faith , dare i wait,and summon with bait, calling with my creative song, those changes i required all along, a dream that never slumbers never sleeps, when i look at my reflection it sends me weak, for i am blessed in this skin, yet i still champion this need to win, a hungry lioness, with a bowl full of flesh not rotten morsels, that were hinged on a bet.

Fear denied

Access denied to the fringes of fear, i see anger looming in your eyes, yet my strength does not hear you. All the troubled words, and the shriek from your lungs, a vocab once heard whilst you tainted worlds with your song. And yet i see Moons, stars , suns dance before my eyes, capture me with kisses, embed me in surprise. For o what a web you wove, as my soul it dove,for shelter.

Arrival

The chariot is coming

They’ll mount you up high

Empower yourself

They’ll see how you fly

Rising reaching

Climbing still

Holding untoYour blessed will

Ignoring construct

Ignoring rules

Using the gift

Of gods blessed
Tools

Splash (poem Otatade Okojie)

I have baptised myself in a new lie
That i am happy without you
I pull back the soft silk of the bed sheets
Mosaic printed
studying the wrinkles
and the stains you left
On your side of the bed
The cd plays jazz on repeat
our favourite song
dances into my eardrums
as tears burrow like
critters deeper
into my skin
I have baptised myself in a lie
strands of light are a strain to
this purple lit room
Where my flesh rots
with dirt
It has been days of mourning
Weeks of pain
Hours and minutes of loss
Clothes are strewn across
our once Canvas room
There is an echo
Of sobs i wept
A shadow stalls in the corner
glaring angrily at me
Yet dare i remove myself
From the bosom of so much pain
Dare i dual
Once more with love
and life.

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