I am not your Nigga

I was thinking about life and all the people we’ve lost through Covid through all the other challenges and obstacles life puts out there, life can be so unpredictable. Yet we are still here, and with the life we have we must fight for the visions we started with. Growing up I was always very different to others around me, I had a unique perspective. At many times in my life I was judged, treated cruelly for being intelligent there were some who believed that as a young black woman who wasn’t abundant with coin, I should know my place. At one point in my life I was bullied so badly and treated so abhorrently, I just went mute I stopped speaking. The trauma was too much for me, I remember it and I feel it at times even when things appear to be going so smoothly. I remembered how the jealous tongues of others in the community I grew up in was used to cripple me, I remember being treated without mercy for having a disability, when I first started out in business in my community I was laughed at, became the joke of the community, was called the N word. These same people would stand out in the streets parroting community , community. I was a young black girl, without my father present, with jealous elders in the neighborhood tearing me down. It was fine when I was just seen as this ghetto Stereotype who wouldn’t accomplish much but when people started to see and people started to hear I wasn’t invisible anymore. I was called every name under the sun, a Nigga,a slut,a whore, for years, there were kids who I used to walk past like normal suddenly treating me like I was the worst person in the world because of the things their parents were saying behind closed doors. And I heard many of those things. I was nicknamed the ugly one in the family, because I was a dark skinned woman, at one point there was some sort of village movement in my neighborhood to bully me into submitting and giving the people who had destroyed my confidence and many years of my life, introductions to connections. I never received justice for it. I write this now because I remember who I was once upon a time, before I began to question so many things about people so many things about self. I remembered how I used to smile and laugh, and dance just for no reason, and I miss that girl. For those people who are different, who somehow we always stand out no matter how much we try and blend in, no matter how old we get we always have to put the armour on because we have to prepare for the idiots who are scared of our voice. I just want to tell you that’s it’s alright. It’s alright to be different, you have to forgive yourself for not being like everybody else, no one has the right to punish you for it. I lived for many years of my life in Beckton and never got justice for the bullying, the harassment, most of it I couldn’t even prove. When In a fit of rage I confronted one of the bullies who was trying to destroy my name, clever little fox he managed to calmly convince others that it was my own challenges, and no I hadn’t experienced a consistent tornado of abuse from him for many years. Words like Nigga that destroy your soul, comments that have you weeping in private. Yet my point is in this time where people are loosing their lives and being challenged by things we cannot see, please please hold unto those blessed happy moments and celebrate the self that you are. And if you are,a little different, a little unique, my sister always says to me that despite all the pain my voice will be the loudest. Your triumph will be your uniqueness. If your young and your black please never let anyone crucify you with the N word, those of us who are not ignorant know the origins of that word. It was used to destroy people’s spirits for being different, and now people joke with it for comic relief claiming wordplay,even with those outside of their race. No for many years that word was used to crucify and destroy, it’s used to make sure you feel less than. We are not less than. And wether your black white green or translucent let’s give time and space to what’s different, god added variety on Earth for a reason…I hear it’s the spice of life.

Qudos to kings: capturing king-sized imaginations

It begins with the seed of discourse, a fledgling conversation explodes into the silence. You are at the mercy of self and mind. Determined to obliterate the silence, eager to escape the tedium which transcends normal life. You want change, you want drama, excitement, passion, growth and a life of fulfilment. There is no substitute  for development. There is no substitute for tapping into infinite change and infinite possibility. Welcome to the evolving self. Welcome to a mind which will meditate upon change, meandering, and navigating through the chaos of fallen trials and almost triumphs. You think to yourself, from the world allows one day I will make an impact. One day I will take bold creative steps and unwind myself from the umbilical cord of ‘normal’ nursing the wounds that come with attempts to elevate ones self, beyond the constraints of a simplistic mind. You are stepping outside of the box, taking off shoes and socks, walking bare foot, into a realm of infinite questions where answers are blanketed, closeted and cloaked. You will morph into a self that the world will find undiscovered, unrecognisable. Self as explorer, self as adventurer, yet self as hero. There is something beautiful about the expansive mind. It’s complex methodologies, and stratagem, then at other times the way it eases you into a fate with a simple recipe, and ingredients that primarily redefine your entire sense of being. Your imagination is your best friend on this journey, feed it and fuel its processes.

Finding entry points

It’s Not Whether You Get Knocked Down, It’s Whether You Get Up.” – Inspirational Quote By Vince Lombardi

Life will throw you some knocks, I am there right now and I have been there many times before.People you thought will convey kindness, will slam the door shut on you.Believing that they have closed your future, that there are no open windows.That there is no room for you to grow. Yet I remember in school when id get into fights or clashes, I was notorious for defending myself against bullies.some fights I won, others I just angled a blow. Yet when life throws you a knock, you are often dealing with shape shifters who you can’t see. When challenges come to divide you from your different selves.The self of the soul, self of the spirit, self of the mind. You can’t just say I believe I will get back up again.you must get back up, so you can walk. For many years of my life I was ridiculed for being different, I am an alpha female with an unusual walk. When word of me attempting to become a millionaire or venture into enterprise through the local gossip in the neighborhood.I became a laughing stock, people would ridicule me, and then they would be cruel. I would have to hear shouts like ‘ have a fit,’ people shouting death from their windows out at me.Believing that they would dissuade me from my dreams. I kept going. After self publishing my ebook lunchbox millionaire which I learnt so many things about, I built a network for myself and became an influencer. It is a billion dollar network,from contacts who work with Oprah to elites who work at the Whitehouse. For many years I would listen to the cruelty of these people, it was a sick game to make it appear as though I was merely a difficult black woman who was troubled by epilepsy and it’s mental challenges.Gossips made sure I lost so much confidence and experience what I can only identify as Social suicide in my community. The more insular I became, yet this made me work.

The crueller their words the harder I worked. Some may argue that I am an over sensitive person, yet what I experienced was ‘abuse’ due to envy. It was cruel and malicious. The most painful thing had been when one of the neighbors children aligned themselves with a dishonest tribe, and would share any cruel comments, put downs, and jokes about me to his audience of idiots. This was the community I thought I was part of. Yet I realised when others try and close a door, god and the universe opens several windows. Like an act of defiance shrieking this girl, who I have nursed ,whose family I supported, will not be left behind. I learned from dealing with epilepsy and the trauma of the seizures that I could get back up again. So when life comes to knock you, arm yourself with the knowledge of your true character, the wisdom of experiences and hope and faith.

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